Sophie’s Firewall Choice: Lindsay Lohan or Paris Hilton?

If you not only had the power to filter out all news about Linsay Lohan and/or Paris Hilton for the rest of your life, but were forced to choose one or die, which would you choose?

At first blush I would say: Who cares? Filter them both. Ugh!

But then I stopped and thought about it. Which one is more likely to be relevant to my life in a few decades? Which one may have an interesting career, even in an ironic way, which I might find amusement? Which one is likely to disappear off the face of the earth, thereby allowing me a de facto “both”? Which one will I less want to see in unflattering tabloid photos (again), perhaps years or even decades from now?

Hmm.

Relevant to my life? Well, Ms. Hilton is a hotel heiress. The Hilton Hotels are, if I’m not mistaken, one of the few successful American businesses that’s still All-American. Is there any way she could eventually hold sway in the decision-making at that company? If she could tank the company, would that indirectly affect me any less than AIG, GM, McDonald’s or American Airlines?

Why risk it? One strike for Lohan.

Which one may have an interesting career, even in an ironic way, which I might find amusement? I never saw House of Wax or The Hottie and the Nottie and the rest of Ms. Hilton’s career seems to be cameo appearances as herself (which was her off-screen job between “Slut” and “Actress”). Ms. Lohan on the other hand was in the wonderful Mean Girls and several tolerable-for-adults Disney titles. If you’ve ever had to endure crappy children’s programming, you know that Herbie Fully Loaded looks like Ocsar Gold next to The Lion King 14: Poomba Takes A Nap.

Hmm. One strike for Hilton.

Which one is likely to disappear off the face of the earth, thereby allowing me a de facto “both”? That one’s easy. In the short term, neither, but in the long haul, Lindsay is just an actress. Filtering Hilton could give me hope for a Twofer.

A second strike for Paris.

ParisLindsay

Which one will I less want to see in unflattering tabloid photos (again), perhaps years or decades from now?

They’re both tearing the hell out of their bodies, but skrawny people show it less over the years. Gravity and time will not be kind to The Lohanator, especially when compared with Mistress Parisimo for which time will only have a “jerky”-ing effect.

Strike two, Lohan.

Now it’s tied, 2 to 2.

What’s the tie-breaker?

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